In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
