You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
