I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
