mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
