I'm lost and stupid without you.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
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