I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
