New low: just hacked my moms facebook
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
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