last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize