You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
