I wish I could teleport
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
