I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
