like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
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