did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Randomize
