shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I'm sorry my penis didn't work
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
