Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Randomize
