dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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