tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
