i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
