You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize
