I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Randomize
