You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize
