Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
