i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
