apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Brb crying the tears of my youth
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
