i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
