I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
