I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
