woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
