Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
