Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I got inside last night via doggy door
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