please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
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