Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
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