my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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