i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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