...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
