so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize