I threw up into my coffee this morning.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
