I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
