Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
