I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Randomize
