youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize