Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
