he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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