did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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