My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
i just google imaged poop.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
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