Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
