the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
