Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
