If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
