I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
Acid is not a monday night drug
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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