i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
