mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
He told me they were just razor bumps!
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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