I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
