I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
zippers are such a cool invention
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize