I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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