Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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